The Vitamin Skit, with Abbott and Costello
(note: this routine is taken from the Abbott and Costello radio show)
Lou Costello: Hey Abbott!
Bud Abbott: Costello what are you doing skipping around like that?
Lou Costello: Oh you see me skippin’ eh? It’s the doctor’s orders.
Bud Abbott: The doctor told you to skip?
Lou Costello: He gave me these bottle of pills see, take pills one a day and skip the next.
Bud Abbott: Oh!
Lou Costello: This is my skipping day. [Singing] Here we go round the merry go round, the merry go round …
Bud Abbott: Costello! Please, would you stop that. What’s gotten into you? Your acting like a nitwit.
Lou Costello: I ain’t no nitwit Abbott. I used to be a nitwit. But I lost my needles.
Bud Abbott: You lost your needles?
Lou Costello: I lost my needles now I don’t got nothing to knit wit’.
Bud Abbott: That’s fine Costello. What’s come over you? Stick out your tongue.
Lou Costello: What for I ain’t mad at you.
Bud Abbott: Come on. Let me see your tongue. Aha, you got a coat on your tongue.
Lou Costello: Look down further maybe you see a pair of pants.
Bud Abbott: Are you sick or something? Come here, let me feel your pulse. Here let me put my hand on your brow.
Lou Costello: Are you kidding?
Bud Abbott: Come on, let me put my hand on your brow.
Lou Costello: Then let me put my head on your shoulder.
Bud Abbott: What for?
Lou Costello: Let’s dance!
Bud Abbott: Oh! Cut it out you dummy, Costello you’re not looking very well today, and you didn’t look well last night. Eh, did you take that alcohol rub like I told you?
Lou Costello: I didn’t have any alcohol Abbott so I rubbed myself down with a bottle of beer. And I almost broke my neck!
Bud Abbott: Almost broke your neck? How?
Lou Costello: Trying to blow the foam off my back! Its hard!
Bud Abbott: Yes I know. The trouble with you Costello is you don’t get enough fresh air. Why don’t you get out in your garden, like other people, and plant some seeds?
Lou Costello: Eh, plant no seeds that’s a fake! That seed stuff is no good Abbott!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean that’s a fake?
Lou Costello: Last spring I planted two pounds of bird seed, and not a single bird came up! Not even a little canary!
Bud Abbott: [Mumbles] Bird seed, bird seed!
Lou Costello: The only bird that came up was [blows a short raspberry]
Bud Abbott: [Mumbles] Bird seed, [Normal tone] Costello, what’s wrong … What’s wrong with you today? Do you know… Do you know what you’ve been saying?
Lou Costello: Personally I wasn’t listening.
Bud Abbott: Oh, you’re getting impossible!
Mr. Niles: Well, well good evening boys!
Bud Abbott: Oh its Ken Niles! Oh Ken I’m glad you dropped in. Pay no attention to Costello, Ken he’s not feeling very well, I don’t know what’s wrong with him.
Mrs. Niles: Well then why doesn’t he do what my lovely wife does? When she’s under the weather she puts her feet in a hot mustard bath.
Lou Costello: Must take plenty of mustard to cover her dogs.
Mrs. Niles: Oh I heard that remark Costello!
Lou Costello: I SAID IT FOR YOU TO HEAR!
Bud Abbott: Alright!
Lou Costello: Get your feet working folks the barracuda are running again!
Mrs. Niles: Just a minute Costello how dare you compare me to a barracuda!
Lou Costello: I’m sorry Mrs. Niles. My mistake,
Mrs. Niles: That’s better.
Lou Costello: Barracudas got teeth.
Mrs. Niles: Oh what an insult! I’ve got teeth!
Lou Costello: Yes, but a barracuda keeps his teeth in water.
Mrs. Niles: So what, I keep my teeth in … OH!
Lou Costello: HA HA HAAA!
Bud Abbott: Just … Just …
Lou Costello: You said it!
Bud Abbott: Just a minute Mrs. Niles I’m afraid you’ll have to excuse Costello tonight. He’s on the ragged edge.
Mrs. Niles: Oh I’d like to push him off!
Mr. Niles: Ha ha ha ha!
Mrs. Niles: Ha ha ha ha!
Mr. Niles: Oh darling that was wonderful! Your so witty, Dear, you’re positively intoxicating!
Mrs. Niles: Oh no, Kenneth, you’re the one who’s intoxicating!
Mr. Niles: Oh no I insist, Dear, you’re intoxicating.
Mrs. Niles: No, Dear, you’re intoxicating.
Lou Costello: Ladies and gentlemen you’ve just been listening to a couple of zombies.
Bud Abbott: Well Costello you’ve did it again. You’re always insulting people. I’ve come to the conclusion that its all caused by the ragged condition of your nerves. What you need are vitamins.
Bud Abbott: Yes, for instance, B 1.
Lou Costello: Be one what?
Bud Abbott: Eh, just B 1.
Lou Costello: Just be one.
Bud Abbott: Yes.
Lou Costello: Are you one?
Bud Abbott: No.
Lou Costello: Then why should I be one?
Bud Abbott: Oh!
Lou Costello: If it ain’t good enough for you it ain’t good enough for me! What do you wanna do push me into these things by myself?
Bud Abbott: I’m not pushing you into anything, I’m trying to tell you something that’s good for your nerves.
Lou Costello: Well what is it?
Bud Abbott: B 1!
Lou Costello: But I don’t wanna be one!
Bud Abbott: I don’t want you to be one!
Lou Costello: No?
Bud Abbott: No. When I say be one I don’t mean be one I mean B 1.
Lou Costello: Oh when you say be one you don’t mean be one you just mean be one?
Bud Abbott: That’s right!
Lou Costello: That’s right? I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello look do you know anything about vitamins and calories?
Lou Costello: Vitamins and calories? Sure, I know both of them pull vitamins and cab calories.
Bud Abbott: No I’m talking about vitamins that contain phiaman. Have you ever heard of phiaman?
Lou Costello: Phiaman? Sure I know him too.
Bud Abbott: You know phiaman?
Lou Costello: Yeah, Simple Phiaman!
Bud Abbott: Costello you dummy phiaman is B 1!
Lou Costello: When did they reclassify him?
Bud Abbott: I don’t mean that listen. I have phiaman right in this little bottle.
Lou Costello: Let him out before he chokes to death! PHIAMAN GET OUT OF THAT BOTTLE PUSH OUT THE CORK AND TALK TO ME! PHIAMAN TALK TO ME!
Bud Abbott: Look Costello for the last time I’m going to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamins are pills. A is the Sunshine Vitamin, B is for energy. Vitamins start from A and go to H.
Lou Costello: That’s all they would need.
Bud Abbott: Now just remember Costello. Vitamins are A B C D E F G …
Lou Costello: (Singing) I got a bell in Kalamazoo …
Bud Abbott: Aw, get out of here!
Courtesy of Abbott and Costello – Who’s on First?