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Sandwich and a Cup of Coffee – Abbott and Costello

Abbott and Costello’s, Turkey Sandwich and Cup of Coffee routine from “Keep ‘Em Flying“, 1941.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) and Heathcliff (Lou Costello), having been unsuccessful at entering through the gates of the Cal-Aero, Army Air Corps flight training academy, enter the U.S.O. club and approach the lunch counter with only one quarter between them and take their seats. Gloria (Martha Raye, playing the parts of twin sisters Gloria and Barbara) waits on them from behind the counter.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the administration building is?

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Over there inside the gate.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Yes? So how do you get in there to get a pass?

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Well you can’t get inside the gate without a pass, to get a pass to get inside the gate.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Very interesting and tricky. Come on.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Yeah. [Blackie and Heathcliff begin to leave.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Won’t you boys have something to eat?

[The boys turn back and take their seats.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Yes ma’am. I would like a …

[Blackie gabs Heathcliff by the lapel and speaks to him in an aside.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Please. Please. What do you mean, yes ma’am. We’ve only got a quarter, you know that. Do you understand? What’s wrong with you? What’s happened to you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Well a quarter… We can get something to eat.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Alright well I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll order a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. See. And I’ll give you half. But if she asks you if you want anything you just say, no I don’t care for anything.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Even if she ask me if I care for anything? I say I don’t want nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s right.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : You mean we’re going to put something over on her.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : No. No. No. We’re not putting anything over.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : We’re going to sucker her.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s all we have is a quarter.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : She’ll think we’re a couple of big shots.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s a boy.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s right.

[The boys turn back and face the counter.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Give me a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : And what will you have?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh, go ahead. Have something.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Give me a turkey sandwich.

[Blackie spins around pulling both himself and Heathcliff off their stools and they speak in another aside.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I refused once. Didn’t I? That’s enough?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : I know. But we only got a quarter.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I mean but the waitress says to have something. I say I don’t care for nothing. Then you say, go ahead have…

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Never mind that. You can’t order! Never mind what I say.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : No matter how much you coax me?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : No matter how much I coax you. You just say, I don’t want anything.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’ll say I’m filled up that’s all.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s all. We only got a quarter.

[Heathcliff pulls Blackie closer as if revealing the truth to him.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I ain’t. But I’ll say, I will…

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Well say that.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : OK.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : And I ‘ll give you half my sandwich.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : OK. I don’t care for nothing.

[And the boys return to their seats at the counter.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : And what will you have?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh go ahead, have something. Go on, have something. Come on, your in here to eat. Right?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Yeah.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Go ahead order something.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Give me some ham and eggs.

[Blackie grabs Heathcliff by the lapels again and whisks them both off the stools for another aside.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : What do keep coaxing me for?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Just a minute. We’ve only got a quarter!

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I know! But don’t keep saying, go ahead take something. I say I don’t care for nothing. You say go ahead take…

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Never mind… Never mind what I say. Just don’t order anything! How were you going to pay for it?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m filled up. I don’t know from nothing. That’s all.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That’s different. No matter how much I coax you, you don’t what anything.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m deaf. I don’t say another word.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Now keep quiet. You want a sandwich. You can’t pay for two turkey sandwiches. Now come on.

[The boys begin to retake their seats at the counter.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I don’t want nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : You don’t want anything.

[They turn towards the counter and speak to Gloria.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : And you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh, sure you do.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Stop asking me. I don’t care for nothing. That’s all. I’m not in the mood to eat.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : You told me you were hungry?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I know. I told you a lot of things. But I ain’t going to eat.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Well are you hungry?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I beg your pardon miss but I’m not going to eat.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : You are hungry? Now look. You in a restaurant. What do people go to a restaurant for?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Not me. I’m just…

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What do people got to a restaurant for?

Heathcliff (Lou Costelloo) : Sometimes I wonder.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : They go there to eat.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Yeah.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Well that’s what you’re here for.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : That’s a wonderful word, eat.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Well alright. Order something.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m not hungry.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Now listen. You want people to think I’m a cheap skate around here? Go on, order something! Order something small.

Heathcliff (Lou Costelloo) : Give me a small steak.

[Blackie slaps Heathcliff in the face, grabs him by the lapels, and off the stools they go again for another aside.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What did I just… What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : What do you keep coaxing me for?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Never mind that coaxing! No matter how much I coax you, you don’t want anything! Now sit down there and behave yourself.

[The boys sit down again and speak to Gloria.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee? Yes?

[Heathcliff has both hands over his mouth. And with a questioning glance, Gloria looks his way.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : He don’t care for anything.

[As Gloria turns toward the kitchen and exits, Blackie reaches over and slaps his hand over Heathcliff’s mouth as well.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Quiet.

[Heathcliff turns to get off his stool.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Where are you going?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m going to get out of here. I mean I’m going to get nothing to eat.

[Blackie pulls Heathcliff back to his stool.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : I told you I ‘d give you half. Don’t worry about it.

[Barbara, Gloria’s twin, enters from the kitchen carrying a coffee pot and humming an upbeat tune. She sits the pot down and approaches the boys at the counter.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Oh, hi ya fellows. What’ll you have?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Here we go again.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Do I have to write it down for you?

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Oh, smart guy.

[Barbara suddenly notices Heathcliff.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Hey, you’re kind of cute.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Never mind that. Where’s my turkey sandwich and cup of coffee?

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Turkey sandwich and cup of coffee. OK.

[Barbara immediately makes 2 clicking sounds as if to start a horse. And places a piece of cake on plate and slides it towards Heathcliff.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : That’s for you.

[Barbara exits to the kitchen.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Hey Blackie. She gave me the cake for nothing. That don’t mean we’re engaged, does it?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh certainly not.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m too young to fall in love.

[Gloria re-enters from the kitchen with the turkey sandwich and a gives it to Blackie.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Here’s your turkey sandwich.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Thanks.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I… I’m sorry I took so long.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh, that’s alright.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I hope you enjoy it.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : I will.

[Gloria notices that Heathcliff is about to bite into the piece of cake.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Ah, that will cost you ten cents, please.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : You just give it to me for nothing.

[Gloria pulls the plate out of his hands.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I’m sorry there must be some mistake.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Indian giver.

[Gloria turns her attention back towards Blackie.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Do you like cranberries?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh, sure.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I do too. I’ll get you some.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Alright.

[Gloria turns and exits back to the kitchen.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I thought she liked me.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What do you mean. Be quiet.

[Barbara re-enters from the kitchen.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : We ain’t got no more turkey.

[Blackie looks down, puzzled at the turkey sandwich right in front of him. While Barbara notices that Heathcliff hasn’t touched the cake.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : What’s a matter with the cake? Why aren’t you eating the cake?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I lost my appetite.

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well is there anything else I can do for you?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Yes there is. Is there anyway you can sneak us through the gate?

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well its a… Well, its against the rules… But the guy is a friend of mine. I guess I can kind of fix it for you.

[Heathcliff turns to Blackie.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Now she likes me again.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Hey, what is this?

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Wait. I’ll go get my hat.

[Barbara starts to exit then turns back and pushes the cake back towards Heathcliff making those 2 clicking sounds again as if to start a horse.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Go on, eat the cake. Its on me.

[Barbara turns and exits.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : What is she? Chewing tobacco?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : No. She only went like…

[Blackie now makes similar clicking sounds with his mouth full of turkey sandwich.]

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Like that.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Oh, rides a horse.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : What? Go ahead, eat the cake.

[They both begin to eat as Gloria re-enters with a small bowl of cranberries.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Here’s your cranberries.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Thanks a lot.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : … that’s good.

[Gloria notices Heathcliff is starting to eat the cake.]

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I said, that will be ten cents please.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : You just give me the cake for nothing when you went out to get your hat.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Hat? What hat?

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : When you said you was going to sneak us through the gate.

Gloria (Martha Raye) : I never told you I was going to sneak you through any gate.

[Blackie looks puzzled and Heathcliff slides the cake plate back towards Gloria in disgust.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : First you tell me I can have the cake for nothing. Then you tell me a can’t have the cake for nothing. Then you tell me there ain’t no turkey. Then there is turkey. Then you’re going to sneak us through the gate. Now you’re not going to sneak us through the gate.

[Heathcliff slaps out a cadence on the counter with his hand as he says the next line.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Why – don’t – you – make – up – your – mind!

Gloria (Martha Raye) : How dare you yell at me!

[Gloria takes the cake, places it behind the counter and exits in a huff. Heathcliff turns to Blackie.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : I’m a brute, huh?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Well …

Heathcliff (Lou Costelloo) : You going to give me half?

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : Oh, alright.

[Blackie offers the plate with the sandwich to Heathcliff as Barbara re-enters with her hat on.]

Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well come on fellows, got my hat. Let’s hit the road.

[Bud and Lou, now completely shocked by her apparent abrupt change in attitude once again, drop the plate, the sandwich goes flying, and they fall all over each other trying to beat a hasty retreat.]

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Let’s get out of here. I don’t care…

[They hurry out of there, knocking over some hapless soldier on the way. End of scene.]


Courtesy of Clown Ministry