Hertz U-Drive routine, originally performed on Abbott and Costello‘s radio program.
Bud Abbott: Oh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked the car we were going to use! Well, now we’ll have to rent a car
Lou Costello: Well, let’s get another car! [Bud and Lou pick up momentum here—fast paced]
Bud Abbott: We’ll have to!
Lou Costello: But where can we get one?
Bud Abbott: A U drive
Lou Costello: Me drive?
Bud Abbott: No … U drive!
Lou Costello: I said I’d drive
Bud Abbott: You don’t drive it. I drive it
Lou Costello: Drive what?
Bud Abbott: A U drive
Lou Costello: Why should I drive when you wanna drive?
Bud Abbott: I’m going to drive! Look, Costello, I’m renting a U drive and I drive it
Lou Costello: Oh then we both drive it
Bud Abbott: No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive, I don’t mean you drive, I mean that I drive although it’s a U drive
Lou Costello: When you say U drive, you don’t mean me drive?
Bud Abbott: No
Lou Costello: You mean ‘you drive’ because I don’t drive
Bud Abbott: Now you’ve got it!
Lou Costello: Now I got it? I don’t even know what I’m talking about! Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a car?
Bud Abbott: Yes
Lou Costello: You are driving a car?
Bud Abbott: Yes
Lou Costello: Where am I sitting?
Bud Abbott: You are sitting right next to me
Lou Costello: Is there a steering wheel in front of me?
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: And you are positive that I am not driving?
Bud Abbott: I’m positive!
Lou Costello: And you are driving the car?
Bud Abbott: Yes!
Lou Costello: Alright, what kind of a car you are driving?
Bud Abbott: U DRIVE!
Lou Costello: Somebody better be driving!
Bud Abbott: No no no…look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a car
Lou Costello: Right, now where we gonna get it?
Bud Abbott: U drive company.
Lou Costello: Now I drive company. [shouts] I thought we were going alone!
Bud Abbott: You don’t understand!! It’s Hertz U drive
Lou Costello: Well, if it hurts, you drive
Bud Abbott: That is right!
Lou Costello: That’s right?? This is getting worse!
Bud Abbott: Don’t you see? the head of the company’s Hertz
Lou Costello: That’s too bad, what hurts him?
Bud Abbott: Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head
Lou Costello: Naturally!
Bud Abbott: Now this company’s head’s Hertz
Lou Costello: Oh! Why doesn’t he take an asprin?
Bud Abbott: Listen. It’s Hertz U drive – ALL over the country
Lou Costello: Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get hurt?
Bud Abbott: You don’t get hurt!
Lou Costello: [childish whine] – I’m not going to get hurt
Bud Abbott: You don’t get hurt Costello!
Lou Costello: Nobody’s gonna hurt me!!
Bud Abbott: That’s right. You’re not going to get hurt
Lou Costello: I’m not a fool to get hurt.
Bud Abbott: You’re not going to get hurt. It’s the Hertz company!
Lou Costello: [understanding now] Oh the Hertz company! I still…I still…Look Abbott…I…Am I mixed up!!
Bud Abbott: Alright. It’s very simple!
Lou Costello: Look Abbott
Bud Abbott: Alright
Bud Abbott: Now…
Lou Costello: I don’t want to hurt nobody
Bud Abbott: Will you listen to me please – the man’s name is … Look, Lou, please … look, take it easy..the man’s name is Hertz, he rents cars. U Drive. It’s the U drive all over the country
Lou Costello: U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother
Bud Abbott: What are you talking about?
Lou Costello: That’s why I can’t go, O.P.A.
Bud Abbott: What do you mean O.P.A
Lou Costello: Only a Puny “A” Card!!
Bud Abbott: Get outta here!!
Courtesy of Abbott and Costello – Who’s on First?